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My Dad, John Joseph Patrick was born to Irish Immigrants in West Philadelphia in 1935. He was the youngest of five children. He had two tough, older brothers and two loving, older sisters who spoiled him. His Father died when he was only nine years old. His oldest brother died shortly after he returned from World War II. John dropped out of school in 8th grade to work to help support his family. His sister, Anna took him to a construction site and talked to the Foreman and said, “Treat my brother right, teach him how to be a carpenter, and let me know if he gives you a problem.” My Dad worked hard and learned his trade. He enjoyed wearing his oldest brother’s Army coat around the streets. He looked older than he was in this oversized deep green jacket.
One day, some of his friends said, “John, Let's go play ball a few streets over." That's when they saw a few innocent girls walking home from school. The boys slowly approached the young teens. They were nervous and timid. They walked behind the girls as they walked home from school”. The next day the rowdy boys did the same thing. Finally, with a bit of Irish courage, one of the boys said, “Hello” to the young girls and asked if they could walk them home. That’s when my Dad, John Joseph Quigley first saw my Mother, Dolores Agnes Tavani, and absolutely fell in love with her sweet smile and innocent walk. Little Dolores Tavani took one look at John and whispered to her friend, “Why is that old man walking us home?” She thought he was older than her because he had a rugged face and was wearing a long army jacket. The captivated young men slowly followed behind the young ladies as they strolled passed several blocks heading home. They quickly noticed they were out of their comfort zone and in the Italian section of Philly. The young men, all Irish were a bit startled that the girls lived in the Italian section of Philly. During this time, the Irish and the Italian families did not frequently mingle. John wondered if this would be a problem with his Mother who hoped he would marry ‘A Good Ole Irish Girl’.
When Dolores spoke with her Mother later that night, she mentioned the unexpected thugs that asked to walk them home. Her Mother’s eyebrows rose and told her daughter to be cautious of the young Irishmen. The next day, Dolores vigorously studied and listened to her teachers. As the school day came to an end, Dolores and her friends once again saw a small group of young Irishmen in front of their All Girls High School. The young men followed behind the young ladies as they walked several blocks to get home. After two weeks of the boys following them home, John walked up to Dolores and asked, "What is your name.?"
They started talking and it didn’t take long for Dolores to see through John’s tough exterior. They would talk and giggle every day on the fifteen-minute walk home to Dolores’ house. John was a bit fearful passing through this area because the Italian men in the neighborhood did not like to have the Irish on their block. After a few months of talking and walking Dolores home every day, John knew she would one day be his wife. On a cool winter afternoon, John waited and waited for Dolores in the parking lot of her school. He couldn't locate ‘His Dolores’. Her friends told him she had undergone major back surgery and would not be in school for the remainder of the year.
While Dolores spent two years in Shriner’s Hospital enduring spinal surgery, she often thought about ‘John, the Irish Thug with the exterior of a boxer and the heart of a lamb. ’ John focused on working as a carpenter and tinkering with old cars.
Early in February 1952, Dolores was home with her Mom as tears swelled in her brown eyes. Her Prom was coming up and she didn’t have an escort to the dance. Her Mother made her a beautiful yellow dress with a lace neckline and silk belt. They brainstormed but couldn’t think of a young man who was available to escort her to her first school dance. Her Mom suggested the Irish boy but Dolores had no idea how to contact him. She had seen him at her school two years ago but she had no idea where he lived or where he went to school. Her Mother made a few phone calls and within three days, Dolores had John’s phone number. With a bit of fervor, Dolores called and spoke to John on the phone. With a squeak in her voice, she told John about her Prom and the silk dress her Mother made for her to wear to the dance. She asked him to escort her to her Junior Prom. He was nervous because he did not have a black suit and he did not know how to dance. He told Dolores they should get to know each other first and since Valentine’s Day was next week, he asked her to go out for dinner. Her Mother agreed to the date but John would have to pick Dolores up at the house and meet her family.
Now, John had to tell his Irish family that he had a date with a young Italian girl, he needed a suit for her Prom and he needed to learn how to dance all within one week. His sister, Anna bought him a suit, his brother Bunny cleaned up the car for the date and his sister Peggy taught him how to dance. His Mother was not happy to hear about the date but she didn’t want to push her youngest son away so she went along with the event.
On Valentine’s Day, 1952 Dolores and John went on their first-ever date to a local corner pizzeria close to Dolores’s house. Her Mother stood on the stoop and kept a close eye on her oldest daughter and this sketchy Irishmen. Not only did Dolores fall head over heels for John’s charm but so did her Mother. Several weeks passed and John would visit Dolores at her home for sweets after dinner. They were allowed to sit on her stoop and talk. Finally, the big day, Dolores' Junior Prom arrived and John rolled up in his borrowed car wearing his black suit. His jaw dropped when he saw Dolores in her dazzling yellow dress that swayed as she walked. Their eyes met and they embraced each other. They left for the dance and became inseparable. Their relationship was forever interwoven for the next 70 years. They attended the All-Girls School Prom and continued to date for another year. After Dolores’ senior Prom, they got engaged and soon wedding bells rang. Their enduring friendship was a true love story and one made from determination and fearlessness. Dolores told her Mother, “It was not easy to be smitten with an Irishmen but I love him and he makes me happy.”
Once again, Dolores’s Mother made her dress for her wedding. John and Dolores were married on October 23, 1954, in front of their family and closest friends. Within four years, they had four children and lived a quiet life. John worked diligently and studied to become a skilled Carpenter and Foreman on his job site. He traveled within three states to supervise numerous construction jobs. He worked long hours on the road and brought work home too.
Eventually, John and Dolores had six children. Something unique about my Father was that he never changed one of his children's diapers.
After many years of traveling to Bethany Delaware, Wildwood, boating, and crabbing on the Delaware River swimming in the local pool golfing, and traveling to Captiva Island for vacation, John and Dolores retired and purchased a home in Florida. John continued to help his neighbors with repairs and completing small residential construction jobs. After thirty years in Florida, John and Dee returned to NJ to be surrounded by their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. My Mom went to heaven 2 years ago and now my dad can forever be at her side once again. As I find comfort in knowing my Mom was there to greet my dad, I and reminded of an old Irish Blessing, ""Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; Love leaves a memory no one can steal."
My dad's accomplishments are enormous but most notable are the longevity of love he had for my Mom and his family, his commitment to give back to our community, The ability to make all of his children think they were his favorite, the ability to complete multilevel math problems in his head, the ability to identify an issue with a building by viewing the blueprints, the ability to assist Architects and Engineers who had years of post-education, his witty way of making people around him happy, and his Irish charm which always put a smile on my face.
My Dad was my hero and a person I greatly respected. I will forever miss his inspirational Irish blessings, his silly rhyming jingles, his warm, tender hugs, and his innocent winks.
Every time I hear the song, "On the Way to Cape May", I will smile and know my dad is in my heart forever.
As I think about how my dad, lived his life, I think about a famous Irish blessing, "May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live."
In closing, I can compare my dad to a four-leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have. I will miss my dad but I have comfort knowing
I WAS H I S FAVORITE!
Dolores endured numerous surgeries and procedures to help with inflammation and arthritis. John began to care for Dolores when she was unable to walk and perform daily household activities. John cooked, cleaned, food-shopped, and cared for the Love of his life. John eventually began to start forgetting things and the names of his neighbors. On one occasion, he left the house in his car to go food shopping but within one mile of the house, he pulled over and couldn’t remember where he was going. He called home and Dolores reminded him to go to the food store. Within a few months, he began to misplace his golf cart keys, car keys, house keys, and television remote. He lost his eyeglasses every day. Looking for lost items became a daily routine. Dolores was in denial that her charming and hard-working spouse could have a Cognitive issue. Dolores took the car keys away from John because he was not capable of driving the car and remembering where to go. He lost interest in the tools in his shed. He lost interest in his friends and golfing with his buddies. Slowly, John lost interest in his games on his iPad and watching television. The six grown children and their spouses began helping more and more around the Florida home. As John’s memory declined, his ability to care for Dolores and their daily routine became a problem. He lost interest in leaving his bed. He took frequent naps throughout the day. He didn’t talk on the phone to his children. He lost his cell phone and didn’t charge it. He began to see things that others didn’t see. The family decided it was time to move their parents closer to their family in New Jersey. The family packed up the home and personal items and moved them into their daughter’s home. Their daughters dotted over their parents. It took some time but John and Dolores settled into
their new routine and their new place. Dolores’s health declined. Two days before her death, Dolores said to John in a weak voice, “I love you, John. You have been a great husband. I have been faithful to you. I want you to know that I am grateful you were my husband and I am glad I spent my life with you. I want you to listen to the girls and don’t give them a hard time.” They were the last words I heard my mom speak. Dolores asked to lay in her bed and the family gathered to smother their Mother with love. Very peacefully and surrounded by her children and grandchildren she went to be with God. What will happen to John without the love of his life? John was devastated but did not understand where Dolores went. He went through the motions of saying goodbye to the Love of his life. John asked for her every day. His cognitive abilities declined after Dolores passed away. With tragedy and major changes, my Dad had a decline in his memory. My Dad needed help dressing and showering. He needed someone to cook and serve him his meals. He started to wander outside and ask to go outside. He began to argue with his daughter and stated that he didn’t want to shower. He didn’t want to have anyone in his bedroom. He accused his children of stealing from him. He repeatedly asked the same questions over and over again. He gets angry when his daughter tells him to shower, brush his teeth or do something he doesn’t want to do. He has lost all interest in cleaning his bedroom and his living area. His daughters decided he can no longer be left home alone so the family hired aides to assist the daughters when they go out.
He can remember his childhood address, his sisters and brother’s names, his life as a carpenter, his time as a foreman on various construction sites, his dog Princess and his time crabbing on his pontoon boat. He does not remember my name most days. He doesn’t remember where he lives or why he is at my house.
Many years ago, my dad was diagnosed with Cognitive decline. Then, a few years later he was diagnosed with Dementia. Memory loss was so mild and difficult to measure because it happened over many years. My dad’s memory loss and cognitive issues were difficult to identify until we moved him to New Jersey from Florida. The major change and the move took a toll on my dad’s memory and cognition. He was confused and angry. He wanted to return to Florida. The next major decline occurred when my Mom died. He declined quickly and lost more of his short-term memory. Another decline occurred when I had leg surgery and I was in the hospital for a week. The extreme change in his schedule and the different faces at my home while I was in the hospital, created a decline in my Dad’s memory. My recovery at home kept me in my bedroom and upstairs causing my dad’s daily routine to change. This caused another decline in my Dad’s short time memory.
With the changes in my dad’s daily life and the need to be an educated caregiver, I began to research cognitive decline, read books about dementia and Alzheimer’s disease, learned how to be a better caregiver, took classes at the county senior services center to understand how to care for myself as a caregiver, I started a blog about my life as a caregiver, I created a Facebook page to share ideas and brainstorm activities for caregivers, and I joined caregiver support groups to identify helpful hints to survive this new lifestyle. I started by learning
What is Dementia?
#alz.org
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